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Incapacity & Death Change
Everyone
When a key family member
becomes incapacitated or dies, family relationships are turned upside
down. In that way, incapacity and death truly change everything and
everyone in a family.
The typical bases for arguments against one family
member taking responsibility for the estate affairs of another are as
follows: a history of abuse, exploitation, neglect or incompetence. But
often, the foundation to the dispute is really deeper. It’s within our
nature. The dispute resonates from our core fears.
So you should plan for the reality of some level of
dispute upon the incapacity or death of the key people in your family,
including yourself. Sibling rivalry is real, as is the truth that each
of us holds within us doubts about ourselves created during formative
years. What’s more, the experiences we add into our family (through
marriage and divorce, birth and death) inevitably change the family, its
dynamics, and our perception of one another.
So the surprise shouldn’t be that a family eventually
faces war. Rather, the surprise is that it takes so long to evolve into
open hostility.
A Probate war doesn’t happen because of lawyers,
courts, or the bogey men/bogey woman. Probate wars are always waiting
for an excuse to erupt, because families are composed of mere mortals.
It just happens that changes (particularly incapacity and death) invite
the convergence of a perfect storm of personal fear, greed and pride.
My favorite Bible verse is Ephesians 6:12: we battle
not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers,
against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual
wickedness in high places. But when young men and women die for the
freedom of others, that verse is intriguing. Their battle seems
physical. My own father was shot down, declared Missing In Action, and
held captive by an enemy that didn’t care whether he lived or died. His
battle seemed very much one of flesh and blood.
But after practicing Probate law for 14 years, I’ve
come to understand the verse. It applies to me, everyone I know, and all
of us. We battle more against what’s inside of us, as shaped by the
people and forces we revere in our daily living. Families are our
primary principalities. We are ruled not so much by ourselves, but by
the people and ideas we revere. So as the power structure of the family
changes (and our idea of what constitutes ‘family’ changes), we fight
over what’s next. That’s not bad. It’s just the mortal life.
Plan for the war. It’s waiting for an excuse to
happen. Incapacity and death change everything and everyone. Plan for
the war, and preserve your privacy, individuality, right to self- care,
personal relationships, and the examined life. Everyone and everything
change with death. Why make it worse than it should be? Call Scott K.
Boates.
The materials in this website are for information
purposes only and are not intended to be and should not be relied upon
by any visitor as legal advice. No attorney-client relationship is
intended or implied by a visit to the site or by an inquiry directed to
Scott K. Boates unless the inquiry or contact results in his being
engaged pursuant to an explicit agreement with a client. Visitors are
encouraged to seek the advice of competent counsel in dealing with
matters having legal consequences. The term ‘competent counsel’ does not
include computer programmers, internet websites offering assorted legal
forms, or anyone other than a duly licensed practicing attorney.
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